manda (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} purplesparklies) wrote,@ 2003-10-30 00:23:00 |
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i've been meaning to write something about my grandma for the past couple of weeks, ever since the anniversary of the day she died, but i haven't been able to. it's difficult; really, i'm still dealing with it. i'm still pissed at myself for being stupid and a teenager and wasting so much time and i still really really miss her. i don't have anything new to say, really, though, or at least nothing that's not too much of a zygote to be able to exist outside of the womb yet, so instead, i'm bringing back another oldie-but-goodie:
from 25 december 2001:
12:10am: my fingers hurt from playing guitar, and that's a good feeling.
i still suck, but it's comforting to play again.
i took a long long bath tonight, curling up in warm water with a book of erotica and new bjork.
christmas is here. it came too fast. at school i miss the whole christmas season and by the time i get home, it's rush rush rush and then it's all over.
this sucks because i love christmas. i love candy canes and i love the smell of pine and i love giving things to the people i love and i love pretty sparkly lights.
i love the candle my grandma would always burn on christmas eve, when family would come over for drinks before going to my uncle's house for dinner. it smelled like frankincense and myrhh and catholicism. it smelled like the dark side of christmas, like a dirty birth. i don't know where that candle is now, and i don't think it would smell the same, but every once in a while i can catch its scent somewhere in the house and i miss her. i miss the way she would always tell me what she had gotten for me by telling me not to ask my parents for it, like she was being smooth, but really she was just excited about my gifts and wanted to tell me about them. i miss curling up on her couch and reading just because i could. i hate that i stopped doing that as i got older because i was a sullen teenager who couldn't be bothered to be friendly to anyone in our house. i hate that i didn't get to say goodbye, even though she wouldn't have known what i was saying anyway.
as much as i love the holidays, there are so many lost memories wrapped up in these two days that i sort of forget about for the rest of the year.
from 25 december 2001:
12:10am: my fingers hurt from playing guitar, and that's a good feeling.
i still suck, but it's comforting to play again.
i took a long long bath tonight, curling up in warm water with a book of erotica and new bjork.
christmas is here. it came too fast. at school i miss the whole christmas season and by the time i get home, it's rush rush rush and then it's all over.
this sucks because i love christmas. i love candy canes and i love the smell of pine and i love giving things to the people i love and i love pretty sparkly lights.
i love the candle my grandma would always burn on christmas eve, when family would come over for drinks before going to my uncle's house for dinner. it smelled like frankincense and myrhh and catholicism. it smelled like the dark side of christmas, like a dirty birth. i don't know where that candle is now, and i don't think it would smell the same, but every once in a while i can catch its scent somewhere in the house and i miss her. i miss the way she would always tell me what she had gotten for me by telling me not to ask my parents for it, like she was being smooth, but really she was just excited about my gifts and wanted to tell me about them. i miss curling up on her couch and reading just because i could. i hate that i stopped doing that as i got older because i was a sullen teenager who couldn't be bothered to be friendly to anyone in our house. i hate that i didn't get to say goodbye, even though she wouldn't have known what i was saying anyway.
as much as i love the holidays, there are so many lost memories wrapped up in these two days that i sort of forget about for the rest of the year.
